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From the 52nd Gender Fluid Battalion, Second Civil War Letters

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(The following was sent to me, and reprinted with his permission. Found only on Twitter @elboneverdies, Point E Elbo, ex-submariner. Very clever, Please pass on.)

Dear Mom,

I’m assigned to the 52nd Gender Fluid Battalion.

In-fighting has occurred whenever hard work needs to be done. When heavy lifting is required many start identifying as female. When cooking is required they identify as male.

We’re starving.

#secondcivilwarletters

Communication is hard among the troops. Protocol states that preferred pronouns must be used in all circumstances.

Radio transmissions are usually tied up by the recipient correcting the person transmitting the message on what gender they identify as that day.

Some of the heavier members of our battalion have shown themselves not be up to the task of battle.

Due to this we have our daily “Healthy at any size briefing” and we’re reminded that it’s not that they’re overweight, it’s that we suffer from “thin privilege”.

In show of diversity and solidarity, we have initiated gender and minority quotas among our ranks.

To show that we value diversity and that it’s our greatest strength, we have removed our Battalion Commander, a USMC veteran, and replaced him with Rachel Dolezal.

Food has been scarce, but not because we don’t have it, but because we’re upset that there aren’t enough vegan and tofu options available.

The coffee is undrinkable due to lack of soy and almond milk. Tomorrow we raid Starbucks to replenish our much needed supplies.

I write with a heavy heart to report that our raid for much needed soy and almond milk has failed.

The red hats don’t seem to adhere to the words “Time Out!” during battle.

Our Geneva Convention rights were violated due to our safe space zones being invaded. These are war crimes.

 

Mom, I’m not sure I mentioned it before, but I’m vegan. Please spread the word to everyone you know and meet.

We’ve received reports that the enemy is currently at Chick-Fil-A as we expected.

Since we’re a gender fluid queer LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ vegan non binary PETA fighting force we will move into action and stop the chicken holocaust.

We are being led by General Alyssa Milano. On to victory.

General Milano and Colonel David Hogg underestimated our foe.

Due to lack of protein our glorious force was overcome and pushed back.

Colonel Hogg staged a “die in” at the Chick-fil-A drive thru and 20 comrades were run over by a 1979 Chevrolet Caprice.

We mourn their loss.

The enemy has been receiving intelligence reports from @JackPosobiec

The enemy is now aware that we are slowly dying from measles, whooping cough, and typhus due to our antivax philosophy.

If only there was some sort of pharmaceutical or medical breakthrough that could save us.

We’ve joined forces with the infamous Soyboy Battalion, nothing can stop us now.

Many of our comrades have deserted. The lack of WiFi and hair ties for our man buns was just too much for some of them.

Some are on the brink of starvation and have resorted to eating socialism.

Comrades, we lost this war.

To add insult to injury, the red hats laughed and ridiculed us when we demanded our participation trophies.

Don’t they understand that life is supposed to be fair?

I’m at the point where I’m LITERALLY SHAKING.

We’ve retreated back to our Safe Spaces to plan our new offensive.

I’ll write more soon.

Love,
Your Gender Neutral Vegan

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About the Author:

Vietnam era Army JAG, Asia, 17-yr Cold Warrior in Soviet-China Bloc green zone, Been shot at and hit, but in crime, not war; twice-broken nose for lying (same fellow) hence good law school candidate; Could have been Somebody in Corporate world and politics, but at every crossroad chose to be a man with a tawdry past instead. Gave up law and am now a redeemed American.
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